- Dress up in Cookie Monster costume, jump out from bushes and yell, "Hmmm me want
- Ask for bizarre types of cookies like Garlic Mints or Pork Cremes.
- Sample one and exclaim, "This doesn't taste anything like Girl Scout!"
- Make a mobile of children's skulls from your local medical supply warehouse. Decorate
it with Girl Scout berets and merit badges.
- Two words - pit bulls!
- Become sexually offended at every cookie offered to you. "Shortbread? What are you
implying? I'm as functional as any other man! Thin mints?! Are you saying I'm not
- Save up all the cookies you bought last year. When they come by this time, offer
to sell them your cookies first.
- "I'd love to buy your cookies, but the court order prevents me from coming within
50 yards of children under the age of 17."
- Ask what sort of credit plans they have.
- When they knock on the door, give them candy and say how you love their costumes.
- Dress your own kids up in severe military uniforms and have them answer the door.
Try to recruit the girl scouts.
- Invite them in for a sleepover. Don't take no for an answer. Works best if you're
- Women, answer the door wearing your old Girl Scout uniform. Pull out your 15-year
old leftover cookies and excitedly offer to help with the fundraising.
- Ask where the rest of the Spice Girls are.
- Snap their training bras from behind. Or from the front.
- Put mirrors conspicuously on the tips of your shoes and ask the little girls to
step a few feet closer.
- Scream that you're a diabetic and you'll sue their parents for threatening your
- Have your anorexia support group meet at your house and greet the little ones. "COOKIES!
COOKIES? Look how fat I am already!"
- Have your bulimia support group meet at your house and greet the little ones. "Mmmm
cookies! I just have to make some room for cookies!" *BLEEEAAAAACHHHH!* "I'll take
six boxes, now."
- Interrogate the girls about their religious and political preferences. "Are you
a commie? Ever have any abortions? You're not gay, are you?"
- Scream about your pending lawsuit with the Girl Scout cookie manufacturers. "You
can't come within 100 yards of me with the litigation pending! I still have hives
from those chocolate wafers! My lawyer will hear about this!"
- Answer the door nude. Oops, you're supposed to only do that to Jehovah's witnesses.
- Cover the doorbell with tree sap, or vaseline.
- Answer the door in full HAZ-MAT gear and spray them with disinfectant foam. "Johnson,
quick, we have to burn the porch!"
- Light yourself on fire and dive at them. You can only do this once.
- "Cookies? Cookies? My grandmother baked me cookies just before she (break down sobbing)
... before she... she..."
- Thrust graphic pictures of caged animals in their faces. "How many kittens died
for your chocolate sandwich cookies???"
- "I used to sell Girl Scout Cookies. Do they still beat you if you don't sell all
- With every sales pitch, try to convert the Scouts to Jehovah's witnesses. "Want
some cookies?" "Have you found grace in our Lord Jesus Christ?"
- Whip out your cell phone and pretend to call the Child Labor Welfare Association.
Examine the girls for signs of abuse.
- Offer jobs to the Girl Scouts to come make Nikes in Guatemala for five cents a day.
- Demand to taste a cookie before buying a box. Then say something totally bizzare.
i.e.- Lick a thin mint and say, "Hmmm, too many peanuts."
- Demand to taste a cookie, and fake a seizure or allergic reaction. "Oh shit! You
mean these have sugar in them??" *GGURGGG*
- Tell them you don't buy Girl Scout cookies due to your religious beliefs and slam
- Loudly exclaim to your spouse in background, "Look, they're selling flavored suppositories!
And they come in chocolate, too! Won't the grandkids be pleased!"
- Hang a huge crucifix on the door, with Jesus dressed up in a miniature Girl Scout
- Just mount a whole child's skeleton on the door, dressed up in a Girl Scout uniform.
- Pour fresh concrete on your porch and don't set up any signs.
- Begin shooting wildly when they approach the porch. "You'll never take me alive!
Not you or the black copters or anybody!"
- Leave jack-o-lanterns from last Halloween on the porch. Of course, this works much
better in the summer.
- Act perfectly normal, except for the fact that you're dry-humping a beanie baby
during the entire solicitation.
- "Me Tarzan, you Girl Scout! We go make hot monkey cookie love!"
- Carry out entire sale doing your best Bobcat Goldthwait impression.
- Act if one perfectly normal ingredient is the most erotic thing on earth. "Does
it have... raisins... in it? Ooooh, I just love raisins... Do your parents know you've
been selling... raisins?"
- Lick you fingers as if you've been eating chicken, then gradually proceed to groom
yourself like a cat.
- Answer the door like a hyperactive retard. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" *leaping up and down*
"I wanna cookie! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!"
- Dub a tape of Ice T rapping "Kill Da Cookie-Pushin' Girl Scout Bitches". Play it
very, very loudly on your stereo system.
- Put on an adult-size uniform and try to recruit the girls away from their current
- Stand at the door and leer at them. Just leer. Don't say a word.
- Just let them know how crappy and overpriced the damn things are.