'S

That Never Made It...

Since 1989 the good people at Maxis
have been bringing us high quality, award winning games the whole family can enjoy.
Such as SimCity 3000, SimMars, SimCity 2000, SimCity Classic, SimCopter, SimTower, SimIsle, SimAnt, SimEarth, SimLife, SimFarm, SimGolf, SimTown, SimPark, The Streets of Sim City, and The Sims.
Just to name a few.
But how do they decide what games to go with, and what ones end up in homeless shelters, cursing themselves day in and day out, saying "I coulda been a star..."

Well... no one knows for sure how they pick their games,
but here are a few of the unfortunates not chosen.

Melts In Your Hard Drive, Not On Your Mouse
 
Build your own candy store. Decide what brands you should carry, Stomp out roaches and other parasites. Settle heated law suits with dentists. All the rich gaming goodness you could want with half the calories, it's SimCandy!
 
The candy bar that was shipped with each copy was melted onto the CD by the time it got home, resulting in many law suits.
Always the Real Thing?
 
Become the president of a soda pop company. Decide what goes in your product. Come up with cool, youthful advertisements targeting that pesky Generation X, and above all, keep the consumer happy.
 
Maxis failed to ship Caffeine Free and Diet versions, resulting in many lawsuits. 
So Bad, It's Good For You
 
Become the president of a dangerous narcotics company. Decide what goes in your product. Avoid law suits. Come up with cool, youthful advertisements targeting that pesky Generation X, and above all, keep the consumer happy for they will die soon anyway.
 
The Kids to Adult rating hooked some younger users on drugs, resulting in many law suits.
The Price is Wrong
 
Become the host of a game show. Give away fabulous prizes, rig the games, try to increase your ratings, and remind everyone to be spayed or neutered. Do a good job and your producers will increase your air time.
 
People actually had themselves spayed or neutered, as Bob Barker so frequently reminds people to do with their pets, resulting in many law suits.
Kill Citizens in the Metropolis
 
Lead the Third Reich. Overrun helpless countries. Build concentration camps. Make death or painful death decisions about its inhabitants. Fend off General Patton and the Americans at all costs.
 
They test marketed the game in Poland, resulting in many law suits, and some small wars.

And now for the disclaimer:

I am in no way affiliated with Maxis, I actually have allot of respect for the company. I am in no way making any money from these ads.

And now for disclaimers targeted to each ad.

SimCandy - I am in no way, shape, or form affiliated with any of the companies whose products are represented in this parody.
I acquired all these images from:
The Quasi-Comprehensive Candy Bar Wrapper Image Archive
If you have a problem with it, consult them for supplying me with these images, and not me the honest consumer for using them.

SimCola - I, Matt, being of sound mind and body proclaim that I am in no way affiliated with the Coca Cola Company. I do not hold their secret formula. All images were acquired from:
The Coca Cola Can Page

SimDrugs - I am in no way supporting smoking. Smoking is bad for you. I do not, nor have I ever smoked. Well, I didn't inhale...
DON'T SMOKE! GOD DAMMIT, PUT THE LIGHTER DOWN. LISTEN TO ME, YOU'RE THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SMOKE, AND DO NOT USE MY AD AS AN EXCUSE FOR STARTING AND THEN ATTEMPTING TO SUE ME BECAUSE IT WILL NOT HOLD UP IN COURT!

SimGameShow - Bob Barker is cool. The Price Is Right rules. I'd like to go on that show some day and win a car. I am in no way affiliated with Bobby or his show however. Now, what do we have up for bids next?

SimNazi - Alight, I'm not a Nazi, I don't support them. I don't like what Hitler done. I have no problem with the Jewish people. I have allot of Jewish friends actually. This picture was an ad to buy war bonds that I found on a Lycos search.

All these images are not meant to resemble or be misconstrued as any of the corporations mentioned. No harm or destructive intent is included herein, and specifically, This page is for entertainment purposes only. Do not ingest this page, it is harmful to your mental and physical health.

And furthermore, "Under United States Copyright Law, anyone may use copyrighted materials in criticism, review, or parody; this is called fair use." This is definitely criticism, and parody, not to mention satire and sarcasm.

© 1998 Absolutely Cool Entertainment