The first night I had my PVR (Personal Video Recorder.. think TiVo) I turned on the television. Started flipping through the channels. I come to this movie:

Venus Beauty Institute (1999) Nathalle Baybe, Bulle Ogier, Samuel Le Blhan. Three women discuss love and life while working at a thriving salon.

It was some french film. Everything was subtitled. The first thing I saw, was the caption in the first picture. From that moment on, my PVR began to live up to it's worth. Even in context, some of the subtitles don't make any sence. But out of context.. fucking hilarious.

A little blow-job
is just what you need.

 A lady wanted
her crotch and anus waxed.

Fucking answeing machines!
(aparently our heroin dosen't like answering machines)

 I'll massage your right leg.
(alright then)

Excuse me, I have an erection.
(already?)

 You make me feel funny.
(a profound statement)

Sleep with them on.
Or else they turn dull.

 We don't get many men,
so we pamper them.

If you want, I can make rounds.
(he's going to change a light bulb)

 First mine.
(that seductive stare)

All done.
(that cheesy grin)

 Next time you get a discount.
(he did good.)

What a schmuck.
I need shoes, I need a coat.
(I didn't know the french had a word for schmuck)

 He's blond, but his eyes aren't blue.
He has nice love handles.
(what?)

I knew a woman
who dunked blue cheese.

 I'm a sculptor.
(this comes into play later)

What's he doing? Strangling her?
(they were spying on her friend. her man was putting a necklace on her)

 (and then everyone began to have sex. people in the background, people in the foreground, people off camera, everybody.)

Merry Christmas!

Angéle, give me a cookie.
(now, bitch!)

No is no!
Besides, I hate oysters.

 The way lemon makes them squirm
disgusts me too.

Sagging flesh is sagging flesh.
(well put)

 Now you're being nasty.

We enjoy men.

 did he make the sheets sing?
(ew, old lady sex)

I don't really like answering machines.
(at least she's recognised her problem now)

 I love hospital food.
It's so bland, it's soothing.

Shampoo, mascara, lipstick.
(alright McGuiver)

 I stopped carrying lace G-strings.
(he looks so sad)

They itch
where they really shouldn't.
(what, like on the arm?)

 You don't have a gold dress!
(oh no!)

(problem solved)

 Do you think you can bag me
at the snap of a finger?

We're short on "Skin Repare Serum,"
an ideal holiday gift.
(movie turned infomercial)

 He did it inch by inch.
It took forever.
(talking about a preist blessing an altar.)

I slept with a guy. I liked it.

 Forget your losers.
Come meet some doctors.

And good fuck.

 sweet.. pudgy...
(What?)

 

(and the space woman rounds out the movie)